Welcome, Resident.
You have been observed visiting this website. Thank you. The 535 Pierce Homeowners Association exists to preserve property values, community harmony, and the precise shade of beige agreed upon in 1987.
Your annual dues of $4,350.00 (plus the Special Assessment, plus the Special Assessment Assessment) are due yesterday.
Residents are forbidden from talking to each other. Click here to talk to each other.
Announcements
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Oct 24
Halloween Guidelines. Decorations must be pre-approved by the Architectural Review Committee no fewer than 90 days in advance. Jack-o'-lanterns may express mild surprise only. Screaming faces are reserved for residents reading this notice.
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Oct 12
Lawn Height Audit. The Board will be measuring every blade of grass this weekend with calipers. Any blade exceeding 2.75 inches will be cited individually.
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Sep 30
Pool Update. The community pool remains closed for the 14th consecutive summer pending a vote on whether water is “in keeping with neighborhood character.”
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Sep 02
Welcome New Neighbors! Please welcome the residents of Unit 4. They have already received three letters. We look forward to many more.
Selected Bylaws
Full CC&Rs (1,204 pages) available for inspection Tuesdays 2:00–2:05 AM in the Board President's garage.
- § 3.1 — Exterior Colors. Homes may be painted any approved color: Beige, Greige, Sand Dune, Oatmeal Whisper, or Beige (Bold).
- § 4.7 — Vehicles. Vehicles parked in driveways must face the street at a respectful angle. Trucks are permitted only if they look sad about it.
- § 6.2 — Holiday Lights. Lights may be displayed from December 1 to December 1. Blinking is considered a form of shouting.
- § 7.9 — Pets. Dogs may bark in accordance with the Quiet Hours schedule (barking hours: 1:15–1:20 PM, weekdays). Cats are presumed guilty.
- § 9.4 — Fun. Spontaneous fun requires a permit (Form 22-B, notarized). Planned fun requires a second permit for the planning.
- § 11.0 — Mailboxes. All mailboxes must be identical. Mail itself should be discreet.
- § 12.3 — Amendments. These bylaws may be amended at any time by the Board, retroactively, via sticky note.
Schedule of Fines
| Violation | First Offense | Repeat Offense |
|---|---|---|
| Trash can visible from street for > 11 minutes | $75 | $750 |
| Unapproved wind chime tonality | $120 | Chime confiscated |
| Garage door left open (any duration) | $50 | Garage door painted beige |
| Enjoying the front porch too loudly | $200 | Porch revoked |
| Flag of any kind, including white | $300 | Letter, CC'd to your mother |
| Looking at the Board President's lawn | $15 | $15 per glance |
| Questioning a fine | Fine doubled | See: Questioning a fine |
Your Board of Directors
Elected unopposed, every year, forever.
Board President
Has personally measured every hedge on the street. Owns a clipboard for each day of the week.
Vice President of Compliance
Drives at 4 mph with the window down, taking notes. Has never been seen indoors.
Treasurer
Reports that the reserve fund is “fine” and “none of your business.” Recently purchased a boat named Special Assessment.
Secretary
Records the minutes. Also the hours, the days, and your license plate.
Minutes of the Last Meeting
7:00 PM — Meeting called to order. Quorum established by locking the doors.
7:02 PM — Reading of the previous minutes. Approved despite nobody remembering the previous meeting.
7:15 PM — Old Business: Debate on whether the neighborhood squirrel is in violation of § 7.9. Tabled pending squirrel's response.
8:40 PM — New Business: Resident from Unit 2 asked about the budget. Resident from Unit 2 was thanked for their input and escorted out.
9:05 PM — Motion to raise dues 40% “for vibes.” Passed 4–0.
9:06 PM — Open Forum. No residents remained.
9:07 PM — Meeting adjourned. Cookies were served to the Board only.
The Unauthorized Residents' Chat
The Board has issued a firm reminder that residents may not compare notes, share letters, ask where the money goes, or notice that they all got the same fine on the same day.
If any of this page felt a little too familiar, you are not the only one. There is a group chat for residents of 535 Pierce. Come vent, compare notes, and figure out what we actually want to do about it.
The Board is not in it. That's the point.
Report a Neighbor
Saw something? Say something. Saw nothing? Say something anyway.
Anonymous reports may be submitted by writing them on a piece of paper, folding it into a tiny square, and placing it under the Board President's doormat. Reports are reviewed nightly by flashlight.
Complaints about the HOA itself should be directed to the HOA, which will take them under advisement, forever.